"gossip cats!" by fofurasfelinas
Forget Entertainment Tonight or People magazine. Southerners only want to hear gossip about people they KNOW. Or in a pinch, about one of their friends’ relatives. You will not often hear Southern women speculating on how many more children Brangelina will collect. Not when the next-door neighbor is collecting a passel of her own…all by different daddies. But y’all didn’t hear that from me.
The best kind of gossip is of the ongoing saga variety. Preferably involving people who are bat-shit crazy. I mean, who cares about the new TV your uncle bought at Walmart? Unless you mention that your aunt poured a fifth of 151 over the old one and set it ablaze. Along with his power saw and his favorite rodeo belt buckle. Why? Was he cheating? Lying? Stealing? No, Springer was a rerun, and she didn’t have anything better to do.
While Southern folks love exchanging the latest juicier-than-watermelon tidbits, there’s only so much that can happen in a day. Which is why we’ve perfected the art of gossiping about what happened…10, 20, 30 years ago. Faulkner said it best: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”
Y’all might think I mean reminiscing. Nope, that’s just talking about what happened. We Southerners like to talk about what might have happened, what ought to have happened, or what might could happen now that what happened happened. If y’all understood that last sentence, you get an honorary degree in Southern Vernacular Sentence Structure.
The thing you have to keep in mind about Southerner’s gossip is: A. We tend to exaggerate. B. We often misremember. Not always on purpose. And C. If what you said ever gets back to us, we WILL hold a grudge. Oh, we may not let you know, but you will find out one day. Oh, yes, you will.
And, of course, there’s always that “telephone” game factor. The story doesn’t even have to go through four or five people before it gets permanently disfigured. After my last trip home, I’ve decided that any information I get from my dad henceforth will have to be corroborated.
Case in point:
Me: “I’ve started taking kick-boxing classes.”
My dad to my sister: “Kim’s toughening up. She’s doing kick-boxing competitions.”
My sister: “Um…I don’t think so…”
One last note: Do not miss a family gathering because what they say TO you is hardly ever as bad as what they say ABOUT you.
What’s the most popular topic of gossip in your particular circle?
stuff southern people like 
You forgot the main way folks go about gossiping: Prayer, specifically in the ubiquitous churches in the South.
oh, yes, i forgot: “please, lord, help martha’s husband stop running around on her…”
bhaaahahahhahahahhahahahaah
I’m so glad your blog was featured on Freshly Pressed today…now I must read everything (because it reminds me of home).
Speaking of gossip…whenever I talk to my girlfriends from back home, we always talk about the people we went to high school with in the nicest way possible. The conversations with my mom are even worse though. She likes to gossip about people I don’t know, but I think it makes her feel better to just get it all out.
(And I’ve missed way too many family gatherings in the last few years. I’m pretty sure they all think I’m a lesbian and that I’m hiding my girlfriend out here in Arizona.)
I’m happy you found my blog! Feel free to gossip about it with friends, relatives, co-workers, customer service representatives, whomever.
We should introduce your mom to my sister and they could create their own soap opera…perhaps you and your girlfriend will even get a storyline. 😉