78. Mayonnaise–Spread It on Thick

24 Feb

Recently, a non-Southerner suggested I do a post about mayonnaise. Hmm…I wondered…do Southerners have a particular fondness for mayonnaise? Well, it IS a key ingredient in deviled eggs and pimento cheese. And you can’t make tuna/chicken/potato/egg/macaroni “salad” without a heaping helping of it. Even so, I wouldn’t have thought that Southerners use more than our share. I mean, people in Seattle eat mayo…oh, wait! Actually, folks here prefer “aioli.” “What’s aioli?” Y’all might ask (as I did when I first encountered it on a menu). Aioli is mayonnaise blended with a little garlic (or occasionally basil). It’s fancy and flavorful. But, still, it’s mayonnaise.

Now that I think about it, Southerners do seem to find more uses for mayonnaise than they do around here. For instance, you wouldn’t make a banana sandwich with aioli. You’re unlikely to find a big glob of it adorning fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes. And you certainly wouldn’t add it to biscuits or cake. I should note that I, myself, have never used mayonnaise in baked goods. Or lard, for that matter.

I say, "Whisk it!" "Whisk it good!"

When I was around 7 or 8, one of my friends would mush mayonnaise into her black-eyed peas, so naturally, I started doing the same. The experiment was short-lived, but, unfortunately, my family’s memory is long. Any time peas show up, someone will say, “Do you want some mayonnaise to go with those?”

One of my oldest and dearest friends from Mississippi HATES mayonnaise with the passion that others reserve for mass murderers or actors who butcher the Southern accent. Everybody knows not to offer Sandy food with even the slightest hint of mayonnaise, or else you’ll be treated to a diatribe on the disgusting nature of the substance.

One day, when Sandy and I were standing near a movie theater’s concession stand, she made the mistake of leaving her purse unattended. I quickly tossed about 10 mayonnaise packets inside, right on top where she’d be sure to see them. Then I braced myself for the fireworks. (Watching Sandy get pissed off – or even hearing about it secondhand – is a favorite pastime among her friends and family. You can learn how to curse in all sorts of new and interesting ways. My favorite is when she calls somebody a “tick turd.”)

Well, folks, she didn’t notice the packets, and I’d forgotten all about them until several weeks later when she was cleaning out her purse. She pulled all manner of loot from the depths of her cavernous bag: lipstick, receipts, pens, etc. And then she pulled out…a mayonnaise packet. And another. And another.

“WHO put expletive expletive MAYONNAISE in my purse??”

I was too busy cackling to fess up. But, as I have mentioned, I have no poker face-making skills, so she found me out.

“WHY would you put expletive expletive MAYONNAISE in my purse?? It could have expletive expletive EX-PLO-DED, and I’d have to kick your expletive expletive expletive!” There might have been a few more expletives. I can’t exactly remember.

Would I do it again? Probably not. But I still consider Operation Mayonnaise Packet one of the best of the worst things I’ve done. Of course, I would have been horrified if one of the packets had actually leaked in her bag. Most likely, I wouldn’t have lived to tell the tale.

Photo credits: “That amazing ingredient” courtesy of Months of Edible Celebrations blog where you’ll find more info about that amazing ingredient.

“Whisk it” by Devlyn, Flickr Creative Commons

Is mayonnaise a staple ingredient in your kitchen? Have you ever made it yourself? Is it worth the bother?

30 Responses to “78. Mayonnaise–Spread It on Thick”

  1. jenniesisler February 24, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    Homemade mayonnaise is heavenly, if not a total pain in the butt to make. Still, there’s no other condiment if you want a tomato sandwich. Thanks for your posts! I can totally relate to every one of them!

    • girloutofdixie February 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

      Glad you’re enjoying the posts. Thanks for reading!

  2. ssanderson February 24, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

    I have to confess, even on a grilled cheese sandwich, I have to have the stuff! Living over here in the Far East, it’s not exactly easy finding mayo (soy sauce and rice vinegar, no problem), and the 2 supermarkets in our small city that carry it are currently out…and they only sell it in these small jars. Oh, what I’d give for a big jar of Dukes’ Mayo right now!

    • girloutofdixie February 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

      Ok, grilled cheese is going a bit too far! Sorry you’re stuck in a land of little (or no) mayo.

      I keep hearing about this legendary Duke’s mayo, but I’ve never actually seen it (or tasted it). If they sell it in MS, I’ll have to give it a try next time I’m there to see what all the fuss is about.

  3. Debbie Pendell February 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm #

    And speaking of banana sandwiches ~ there should be a post to celebrate one of these Southern delicacies. Please extol them.

    • girloutofdixie February 24, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

      Ok, ok, but it might take me a while to get around to it…

  4. Karen cronacher February 24, 2011 at 6:14 pm #

    Tick turd! I will have to remember that one Once I visited my friend Shelley and she made homemade mayonaise, it was heaven! I’ve never tasted anything like it; I couldn’t get enough of it. When I was little to get attention I would make weird sandwiches and one was banana peanut butter and chocolate chips.

    • girloutofdixie February 24, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

      I may have to try and make homemade mayonnaise one of these days.

      I think a banana, peanut butter, and chocolate chip sandwich sounds delicious! Way better than that bluffernutter I had at Homegrown!

  5. prayersfromthepeanutgallery February 24, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    Yeah tick-turd is hilarious. My husband (from Georgia) will not eat without mayo nearby. But it’s true…there are hardly chicken salads, tuna salads, or any other kind for that matter that we don’t have to put mayo in. And if anyone wondered if you were from the south, you said “all manner of loot.” LOL dead give away.

    • girloutofdixie February 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

      “All manner of” is one of my favorite Southern phrases. Right up there with “might could.”

  6. Sandy Thornton February 24, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    You love telling that story, don’t cha, Kim? It’s been, like, 20 years ago and you still tell it! LOL – You know how traumatizing that was for me finding those mayo packets in my purse! I cringe every time I think about how one of those packets could have exploded – and if that had happened , my BARE HAND would have TOUCHED mayonnaise!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention the SMELL!! AHHH, I HATE THAT STUFF!! But I must say, I like the name you’ve given that incident…Operation Mayonnaise Packet…that is pretty funny! But did you have the mention the Tick-Turd thing???

    • girloutofdixie February 24, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

      I confess, I do love telling that story, if only to remind you how close you came to touching mayonnaise with your BARE HAND!

      Judging by the comments, people like “tick turd.”

      I just googled it and found a place that sells all manner of “tick turd” merchandise! http://www.urbandictionary.com/products.php?term=Tick%20Turd&defid=4865670

      I’m thinking of ordering the refrigerator magnet for you, unless you prefer the trucker hat.

      • Anonymous February 25, 2011 at 7:11 am #

        I just checked out the “tick turd” merchandise.. I like the magnet… Lol

        • Sandy Thornton February 25, 2011 at 7:52 am #

          That is my response up above. I forgot to put my name on it! Lol

  7. southofseattle February 24, 2011 at 11:45 pm #

    Haven’t heard” tick turd” before (my daddy wouldn’t allow us to say the “t” word) but I know the quickest way to spot a Yankee is to see them ask for mustard and “hold the mayo”. What do these people put on their artichokes leaves? Mustard??? Mayo is a mighty fine dipping sauce for artichokes.

    • girloutofdixie February 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm #

      The “t” word isn’t one I use, and I normally cringe when I hear it, but there’s something about the “tick” in front of it that makes it kinda fun.

  8. maryreidmunford February 25, 2011 at 3:59 am #

    I am a Mississippi girl living in Africa and I love your blog! Just today I heard Dolly Parton while I was shopping (“Jump outta bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition…”) and I also nearly cried because I accidentally ate a bit of a sandwich with mayo on it. I’m like your girl Sandy on that one, and my high school friends have played a couple of similar pranks.

    There’s something comforting about reading about southerners when I’m so far away from home! Keep it up 🙂

    • girloutofdixie February 27, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

      I’m so glad you found my blog! I’m happy to be able to offer a little Southern comfort to folks who are far from home.

  9. Kim's favorite Sister February 25, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    i agree…annoying Sandy is one of THE most fun things that we can do. “God Bless Her” she can’t help from getting mad at us about something almost every get together…Kim you forgot that one in your saying, “Bless her heart is good” but put “God Bless Her” in front of anything and it makes it okay such as “God bless her, she doesn’t have the sense that God gave a Bessy Bug”

    • girloutofdixie February 27, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

      Isn’t there also “God love her”? Or did I just imagine that one?

  10. bayoubyme February 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    Yes, I went to a deli in a gas station here to order a grilled cheese, and the lady asked me if I wanted mayo on it. I had never heard of that before. Your post explains why she asked me that in my new (to me) Southern locale. I admit, I was a bit surprised, having not read your post yet!

    • girloutofdixie February 27, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

      You must be in the South if you’ve located a gas station that sells grilled cheese! There’s one in Memphis that sells sushi. My sister says people love it, but I don’t think I’d chance it…

  11. Nancy February 26, 2011 at 7:36 am #

    My husband is from Louisiana and definitely loves his mayo. Problem is, he asks for “my-nez” on his sandwiches and no one knows what he’s talking about!

    • girloutofdixie February 27, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

      “my-nez”! Love it!! Hope you can act as his translator!

  12. happykidshappymom March 9, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    When I saw the title of this post, I just had to click on it. Too funny to write a post about mayo! But glad you did. And, um, yikes. (About the black-eyed-peas.) And I know what you mean about things sticking in the memories of family and friends. When I was little I used to drink a lot of milk. One time in a restaurant I asked for a refill of milk. They said they didn’t do that. So my sister yelled over her shoulder, “Back up the cow!” And that’s what I hear whenever she visits and I want milk. Thanks for sharing!

    • Kim Holloway March 9, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

      Love your “back up the cow” story! Nothing like family to keep a person humble.

  13. mjay June 18, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

    Nothing funny or off about a mayonnaise post. I’ve seen several. It’s definitely a southern thing. Dukes or get it out of my fridge. Yuk. Non of that sweet mayo..or off brand. Yummm. Had a turkey cheese and dukes mayo samich today. I don’t eat tomatoes. But that’s the thing here. Mayo and tomatoes on the samich. Of course they try getting us to replace that mayo with healthier stuff. Nope. It’s one coronary attack I’ll keep. I rarely eat mayo but there best be a jar of Duke’s in my cabinet. North Carolina. If you wanna try it just order it online.. it’s safe at room temp until open as all other mayos. Nothing like a samich with mayo. I never knew any other mayo existed..expect for in those packets they serve at schools. .. ewww. Not duke’s. It just like Cheerwine..which is delicious. And Sundrop..which is even sweeter. That you just cannot buy everywhere. Grits. Eh. There okay as long as I have fried liver mush. Yummy. Shh. Don’t tell me what it is. Get your paws on a bottle of Sundrop and toss that puppy in a Sundrop pound cake. Not what you’d expect. O.M.G. and Cheerwine works the same. That’s better than any cheesecake from anywhere. Mmm.
    Visit us some time. We have some fabulous food here in NC. If you can fry it we have it.


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