5. Pecans: Don’t Make Brownies Without Them

17 Sep

First off, let’s discuss pronunciation. The word is “puh-CON,” not “pee-CAN.” Yes, there are a few rogue Southerners (Paula Deen included), who insist on “pee-CAN,” but the rest of us say “puh-CON.” Conversely, nearly everybody above the Mason-Dixon says “pee-CAN,” and I, for one, cringe when I hear it said thusly. (Not quite as bad as hearing Biloxi pronounced “Bee-LOX-ee” but close. Also, for the record, it’s “PRAW-leen” not “PRAY-leen.” Ok, enough with my digression, I could go on all day.)

If a Southerner is baking, you can be sure there’s a heap of pecans somewhere nearby. Brownies? Add pecans. Chocolate chip cookies? Add pecans. Rum cake? Add pecans. (And some extra rum for our Baptist friends.)

How my sister and I both wound up with pecan-hating men, I will never know. (Neither of them is Southern, which might be a clue.) This makes baking an exercise in frustration. Everything has to be half nutty, half not. And when they fail to go through desserts as quickly as we do, we’re left with nutless brownies. I can’t think of anything sadder.

Anytime anybody commenced to baking anything, my beloved late mother would always say, “You have to toast the pecans first.” As if we’d forget. She believed that anyone who didn’t like pecans just hadn’t had them properly toasted. Man, how I wish that were the case.

What’s your favorite pecan-laden treat?

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4. White Rocking Chairs–Who Needs Picket Fences?

15 Sep

Why is it that the very minute a Southerner acquires a front porch (or reasonable facsimile), she must run to Cracker Barrel and buy a white rocking chair? Visit any Southern neighborhood with a decent concentration of front porches (shouldn’t be too hard to find), and you’ll see what I mean – oodles of white rocking chairs. What you won’t see is anybody actually sitting (much less rocking) in them.

I figure this has to do with the romantic notion that Southern folks sit around on the front porch drinking lemonade or mint juleps 24/7. Sure, they would like to. But they’ve got jobs, soccer games, and dentist appointments just like anybody else.

Maybe the white rocker symbolizes a Southerner’s desire to return to the simpler days. Back when folks talked instead of texting. Before “Gossip Girl” replaced good old-fashioned gossip. When the Black Eyed Peas were something you ate with cornbread.

Do you have white rocking chairs on your porch? And why do they always seem to travel in pairs?

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3. Everclear: The Next Best Thing to Moonshine

15 Sep

49058373-300x300-0-0_Everclear+Grain+Alcohol+190+750mlIf you think I’m talking about the band, you most likely didn’t attend a Southern university. Everclear grain alcohol is particularly popular among college students and anyone else who wants to get really drunk, really fast, for really cheap.

While it’s not completely odorless and tasteless, Everclear tends to go unnoticed when blended with fruity mixers like Hawaiian Punch. But after a couple of Jello shots or plastic cups full of “Whoop Juice,” you will know it was there. Boy, howdy.

Back in the day, they used to sell two-liter bottles of Purple Passion, which was essentially grape soda blended with Everclear. Sadly, this has gone the way of Zima. (Conversely, I know of no one who was saddened by Zima’s demise.)

If you wanted to get crafty, I reckon you could make your own, but it just wouldn’t be the same. Probably best to leave it alone anyhow. Otherwise, you might drink too much, end up with a purple moustache, and be saddled with the unfortunate nickname “Pierre.” Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Do you drink Everclear? If so, why? And what with?

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2. Deep Freezers: Like Closets, But Colder

15 Sep

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Everybody I know in the South has a deep freeze. Everybody. Care to guess how many deep freezers I’ve seen between here and L.A.? Yep, that would be none.

So why do Southern folks love deep freezers? Frankly, I don’t really know. I could speculate that they need the extra room to store a hunting season’s worth of venison, but more often, they’re packed with Kid’s Cuisines and Costco bags of chicken breasts. Oh, and ice. You can always use an extra bag or two of ice. Never know when the gas station up the road will run out. And then how will you make margaritas?

My sister asked me a few years back why I didn’t have a deep freezer. I believe I was living in a basement apartment at the time, so I figured the answer was obvious. Anyhow, like the Albert Brooks character in “Mother,” I am of the belief that not everything belongs in the freezer, which is why they make it smaller.

Fast forward a few years to the day I noticed our freezer was on the blink. First hint? Soft-serve ice cream. Geoff and I took a field trip to Lowes and Home Depot in search of a replacement. After great debate (well, not exactly Lincoln and Douglas, but still) we settled on a top-freezer Frigidaire with an Energy Star rating. Imagine my surprise when we got it home and I noticed that the freezer compartment was considerably smaller than our previous model. I must admit, I have begun to reconsider my position on deep freezers.

The other day, as I was attempting to wedge a Costco bag of pecans into the freezer door shelf, I made the executive decision to banish Geoff’s square egg maker (don’t ask) and stainless steel pitcher to the countertop. Upon noticing his exiled stuff, Geoff picked up the pitcher and said, “This is the foamer for my espresso machine.”

WHAT?

“You mean,” I say, “The espresso machine that’s been in the basement since we moved in? I’ve been working around this thing for FIVE YEARS?”

Indeed. And he’d been working around it in his old freezer for countless years before that.

So then I proceed to look for more dead weight in the freezer. I hold up one of those cold pack thingies and say, “What about this? Do you use this?”

“That came with the refrigerator,” he says.

I reckon once I finish tossing the useless crap, I won’t need a deep freeze after all.

What all do you keep in your deep freeze? Could you live without it or even want to?

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1. Paula Deen, The Queen of Southern Cuisine

11 Sep

51aDhvNeWLL._SL500_AA280_Paula Deen is kinda like the Martha Stewart of the South. Except that she skips all the crafty-ness and gardening hoo-ha and goes straight to what matters: snacks. Besides which, Paula’s recipes are generally easier to prepare than Martha’s, seeing as how they rely on Southern staples like cream-of-whatever soup and Cool Whip. Oh, and butter. Before you start following Paula’s recipes, you might want to go out and get yourself a cow. Eliminate the middle man.

If you go to any sort of social gathering in the South, you’re likely to encounter at least one or two of Paula’s dishes. Are women hovering over a certain casserole dish with forks in hand making noises that are not usually heard at Baptist potlucks? There’s your clue. Grab the nearest utensil and join in. Knives are handy for clearing a path.

Aside from her concoctions of buttery goodness, I think what folks appreciate about Paula is that she maintains her sense of humor whether she’s accidentally losing her pants in front of a crowd or creating mixer mayhem on Oprah. She’s downright unflappable, y’all!

What’s your favorite Paula Deen recipe? Oh, and how much butter is in your house right now? I keep a minimum of two pounds myself.

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